Thursday, January 11, 2007

Straw that broke the camel's back

So it's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone. Not my family or friends. I have nothing to tell them. I've got some things going, but I don't want to talk about for fear that I'll start getting really excited about the opportunity and they'll start getting excited about the opportunity and then when I don't get it, and I have to tell them that I didn't get this fantastic job, I feel bad. I feel like I've let them down. And even though they don't mean to, there's always this sense of disappointment.

So when they call, I don't talk about what's cooking as far as job leads, and they keep asking me about what's going on (and I've got nothing, cause I can't spend any money and I'm not dating, I'm so boring) or worse, they've not read this blog and they start giving me advice on what I should do on stuff that I've moved on from a week ago. I'm so sick of the advice. I don't want any advice. Did I ask you for advice? ARGG! But the thing that makes me so sad, is that my dad doesn't know what to talk to me about anymore, so he just doesn't call or talk to me. I feel like such a loser.

But the other thing is that I feel like such a burden on my friends. I've bent their ear for so long about how much this sucks, I just don't think I can do it anymore. Hell, I'm sick of how I feel. I'm sick of the same conversation. I feel like a broken record. After last weekend, I've given up alcohol, cause all it does is make me cry more frequently. Instead of once a day, like once an hour. And can't cry any more cause it ruins my contacts and I'm on my last pair and before I can get a new pair I have to get an eye exam and well, don't have insurance or money, so before long I'll probably be wearing my glasses on regular basis, which make me feel like a dork.

I'm avoiding the hallways of my building cause I don't want to run into people that I haven't seen in a while, cause they ask me if I've found a job yet and I say no, not working yet and they say "Still!"

I went to a networking event today for the Hospitality Sales & Marketing Association. It was a new group, because I've seen the same people for months now. Anyway the program was Making 2007 Your Best Year ever. Which as you know is one of my goals. So one of the things we were supposed to do was name three pivotal events from 2006 as part of a reflection. Most people put down positive things. All I could think of were two negative things 1) Ending things with the ME and 2) Being Laid Off. I guess you could spin those: 1) yea not with a guy who wasn't that into me to begin with and 2) least not being harassed by my manager and out of the hell hole of a company with horrible leadership. Ugg. Next we're supposed to visualize the end of 2007 and what we've accomplished. I'm trying to work on that.

On the positive side, doing some freelance work, but probably won't see the money until March and not sure if I can go that long without money coming in. Giving myself until 1/15 to decide what to do. Stay and keep spending money I don't have or Rent my place, find a room to rent for $500, which cut my costs, but will have to keep spending money I don't have. Need to do it before next morgtage payment due, if nothing significant starts happening. Please again, no advice. I'll figure it out.

Well, going to go for a drive. Get some fresh air.

1 comment:

Dirty Butter said...

I wouldn't know where to begin giving you advice, anyway, so you don't have to fuss at me about that. LOL

I am sorry you're so frustrated and in the dumps. Here's to a good reason for a happy post in the near future!